It bothers me knowing that you were going to marry her. Like actually “here comes the bride” fucking marriage. I think it bothers me even more than I’m aware. Because last night on the phone when you were drunk at your sisters house house sitting, when you would talk about what you want and future plans of building a tiny house and wanting my help and moving to a plot of land in the middle of nowhere….those were your plans with her. That was yalls dream. Not mine. And it really fucking irks me knowing that you had it all planned out. That you actually bought her a ring and said yes. I’m 100% sober so this is just me raw. I’m having a hard time dealing with this. I think of plans with you and they feel tainted. I’ve never planned a wedding. I’ve never even said yes to my proposals. It’s painful. Knowing that you’ve done all of these things before. And really it’s not just that you’ve been previously engaged but that it was with her. The same chick I watched destroy your life and cause you immense amounts of pain. Ooh and let’s not leave out doing everything in her power to make you hate me. Yeah… that chick. The one and only. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
I can see the light leaving her eyes each passing day. She’s quickly losing hope. Struggling to find a solution. Fighting just to produce a single intelligent thought is lost on her. Reality is escaping and in turn being consumed by paranoia and a lifetime of regrets. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. I’m at a loss myself. I love you mom. I wish I could take it all away. Speak truth into your life and that be enough. But with each episode, year after year we are still grasping at straws. I get the feeling that you are toying with the idea of death. I feel like I should do something. The fear over not knowing what to do has left me stagnant. Sitting. Waiting. For what is unclear exactly. God I wish you didn’t have to endure this suffering any longer. I want you to be happy. Fullfilled. Content. At peace. To feel loved and cherised. I want you to feel and experience the very best of everything this life has to offer. You’ve gone down many broken roads. Fought to the bitter end. I’d hate to let you believe it was meaninless. That all you received from your life is just more pain more torture. I don’t know how to help you. I don’t think I can. But I know a guy. He works miracles. Pretty positive and kind. With out a doubt the purest most decent being you’ll ever meet. His name is Jesus. He’s pretty popular to some but he always makes time for everyone. He is really easy to get along with. The best friend you could ever wish for. A great listener. Loves unconditionally without fault. He can help you. He can literally take all of your inner demons and suffering away. He’s pretty cool like that. I know you know Him. Sometimes it’s easy to forget about Him if you don’t talk to Him very often. I can promise you that He’s still around and eager to help you if you’ll just call on Him sometime. He won’t even be mad if you guys haven’t spoken in a while. He already forgives you because He just misses you more than you could ever fathom. I hope you get a hold of Him soon. I love you mom.
Schizophrenia is complex and even people with it don’t really know how to deal with our own disorder most of the time, so it’s even harder for loved ones to understand what we go through, often leaving them stuck on the sidelines and unsure how to help.
But there is hope for everyone involved, and you can give us genuine support.
— Robert Fulghum, True Love (via feellng)